Okay so this post is really for me. I’m in the middle of the
“it’s almost spring but not really” blues, and I have been feeling really
crabby. I mean like REALLY. Our lives have been a little more tumultuous than
normal due to a move, so boxes everywhere. I am feeling pretty much stuck
inside and kind of alone because I don’t know anyone yet. To top it off the apartment that we moved to
is significantly smaller than our last place so I am hearing a lot more of the
constant chatter, fighting, video games, more fighting, jumping, shrieking,
playing, and not sleeping. So I decided to put together a list of things that
have helped me, even in a minor way because, let’s face it, sometimes parenting
is a win if both you and the kids barely squeak over the finish line by
surviving until bedtime.
1.Acknowledge your feelings
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not an unfeeling
robot. Listening to constant insults, and whining, and complaining, and
fighting would bother anyone. What I feel is important and normal. If I
continue to ignore my perfectly human feelings when I am under pressure the
effect is both mental and physical. A major headache and a major tantrum will
come, and not from the kids.
2. Take a deep breath (Mom this one is for you, she tells me
to do this constantly)
According to google the average adult at rest breathes
between 17 and 30 thousand times a day. Breathing is essential. You literally
can’t live without it. So what is it about taking a deep breath that makes a
difference in my day. According to an article
on stress.org, entitled Take
a Deep Breath, the best thing you can do to elicit a physical state of
relaxation is to, yep, you guessed it, breath. According to the article deep
breathing increases your supply oxygen to the brain, and stimulates your
nervous system in such a way as to promote a state of calmness. As a practical
application, I have noticed that when I take a deep breath I do feel a little
more relaxed almost instantly. Let me be clear, deep breathing does not take
the stress away, sometimes for me it only gets me through the next minute, but
a clear head for a minute is way better than nothing.
3. Engage your kids visually
It is so easy to scream at the kids to stop fighting, way
too super easy. It is something I am constantly struggling with. My girls are
currently sharing a very small space, and tempers run high. When I am doing
something else, you know, cooking, cleaning, practicing the piano, writing my
blog, and the fireworks begin, my first instinct is to shut it down fast and
forcefully. I have definitely been the mom who prays the neighbors didn’t hear
her screaming. It’s something I’m working on. I do find it easier, however, to
actually handle the situation and not make it worse when I make the effort to
get up and go be in the same room as them. Sometimes I have to call them to me
when I am in the middle of something I can’t leave, but the point is that a
face to face conversation is far more practical than a conversation shouted
through walls. You can hear what the other person is saying better, and gain a
clearer understanding of the situation when you can observe their physical reaction
to things.
4. Engage your kids physically
Now I’m not talking about the “swat across the bum when
you’ve had it and feel guilty about it for hours” kind of physical interaction.
Human touch is a powerful thing, for both you and your kids. A hand placed on
the shoulder, or hug can instantly change the dynamic of a tense situation. Let
them sit on your lap, let them hold your hand. Sometimes holding their hand can
make a lot of difference. A few minutes ago my seven-year-old was hysterically
upset because her sister wouldn’t help her find a certain toy. So I asked her
to hold my hand. She rolled her eyes, but she did it, and was a lot calmer and
more willing to listen. When I let my five-year-old (who is very high energy)
sit on my lap to talk to me she listens better to me and retains the things I
ask her to do better. To her it’s like me saying “honey, you have my full
attention.”
5. Pause
To me this is a little different from taking a deep breath.
If I can catch myself in that moment right before I lose it, to take an instant
to evaluate the words that come out of my mouth I find I am a more patient
parent. Yes, that kid may have just told you that you are a terrible mom, and
they hate you, but returning with a highly charged, angry response only adds
fuel to a fire that will consume any chance of peace in your home. Speaking
softly and carefully when you want to scream and shout not only prevents sore
vocal chords and headaches, let’s face it, yelling is definitely a physical
thing, but it also prevents very real damage to your kids. We all know how much
words can hurt, how much more do words hurt when they come from the person who
is supposed to love us, and care for us. Additionally, it is scary when someone
so much bigger than you is screaming like a maniac. So take a moment to consider
what you are going to say, and how you are going to say it.
6. Play
It is so easy to get wrapped up in all the stuff we have to
do as adults. Beds must be made, dishes must be washed, bills have to be paid,
meals have to be cooked. There is always so much to do and it is never truly
done. I mean really all I want to do is finish so I can watch some tv and or
read a book. Kids have no such time table. What adult wouldn’t want the
responsibilities of a child for a day right? Kids are busy learning all day in
this thing we call play. Play is so important to them. It helps them improve
physically, mentally, and emotionally. They want you to be part of it. You are
one of the most important people in their little world. So rather than getting
frustrated when they pester you to spend time with them do it. Even if it’s
just “okay guys I have five minutes to play and then I have to cook dinner.” In
addition to that playing can be a great way to break up a tough situation. If
they are sitting there arguing and mom suddenly turns into a crazy-brain-eating
zombie what kid can resist running from the room screaming in delight. If a
tickle spider jumps out to bite the closest kid it can cause stress to dissolve
into giggles. Play is still good for us grown-ups too.
8.Music
If music be the food of love, play on, Give me excess of
it; that surfeiting, The appetite may sicken, and so die. Twelfth
Night Act 1, scene 1, 1–3
Music
can be an ally for you in your times of trial and grief. I have felt such deep
feelings as I listen to music that truly moves me. Good words and melodies
fulfill the emptiness I feel at times. When I have been so stressed out there
is nothing like listening to a song that makes me cry. Sometimes putting
something soothing on can keep peace in your home. Putting on something with a
good beat that you can dance to can make you feel lighter in an otherwise heavy
situation. Teaching your children that music can strengthen you can bless their
whole lives.
8. Bribery
I know it sounds awful, and it is definitely not appropriate
in all situations. “If you stop hitting your sister you can have a lollipop” is
not really okay in my book. But sometimes the cranky child can be soothed with
a snack, or the hysterical child with a cup of tea and a quiet one-on-one
conversation. The best kind of bribes are the ones meant to meet the need of a
child, not to just shut them up.
9. Get Away
If all else fails remove yourself from the situation. There
are times I just need five minutes to myself. There is nothing wrong with
putting a door between you and child that is making you feel angry. For the
safety of your little one as well as your own sanity take a break. Sometimes I
even put on the tv so I can get a little something done (gasp) I know so
horrible. I try to time it appropriately with their age, because coming out to
a huge mess of oats on the kitchen floor is definitely not a mood booster, but
the mess just might be worth it if getting away from your child is the difference
between a heated argument or a tragedy. I have had those horrible moments in
motherhood where all you want is a little sleep and that screaming child is
about to make you lose it in a big way. There have been times when I read about
those awful stories where a mother shakes her baby and causes permanent damage,
and I vow to myself to never let that happen. Your sanity is important and
needs to be protected, just like your precious little ones.
10. Pray
My faith is a very important part of my life. It touches
every part of my life, from the way I dress to the way I parent, to the way I
treat a stranger on the street. In my darkest moments communication with my Father
in heaven has been literally the only thing to get me through. I have cried out
to my God in anguish, and felt relief. I have made it just one more second
longer because I said a prayer in my heart. I have had beautiful touching
moments with my children because when I didn’t know what to say or do He did.
So there you are 10 things I have found useful in my quest
to be an almost sane parent. Even if this helps no one else I have to say it
has already helped me a little. There is something about thinking of all the
ways that help you feel better that makes you actually do some of those things.
Ha ha! I guess I now have 11.
