Wednesday, July 29, 2015

I am Blessed

I am a working mother. It's a recent development, but it's true. One Saturday about a month ago I was doing our family budget and I realized that even with my husband's fabulous new job that we would still only be barely eking by. So I turned off the computer, put on the nicest most business-like clothes I had (not an easy feat since the majority of my clothes are sweat-pants and t-shirts), did my make-up and hair, and told my husband that I was going to go get a job. I printed out a few resumes and took off with an optimistic hope that I would return with a job, and a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that there was no way that things could happen that fast.

Much to my surprise and the surprise  of my husband I happened to be at the right place at the right time. My job search ended that day with an interview, a job offer and a drug test. I could hear my husband's jaw hit the floor when I told him about the interview, I think he expected that I would come home a crying sniveling mess. Confession, I tend to cry when things (important things) don't go the way I hope. Rather than having to pick up the pieces this time he and I had to deal with a very real dramatic change in our lives.

The last few weeks have not been easy. I am working the night shift and he is working during the day. I am on when he is off and when I am off I have to run the household despite a major lack of sleep. Despite the difficulty I already feel closer to my husband in many ways.  First of all I have to totally brag. He has stepped it up with the housework, with the care of the kids, and with the love. Just last night  he bought me roses and chocolate just because he thought I needed it. This tough time that we are going through has made him so much more aware of me of my needs, of the difficulties that I have struggled with as a stay-at -home mom. He not only has become even more of an amazing support in my life, but he is also constantly reassuring me that I am doing enough. There is a major guilt-factor for me. Working a full-time job I am just not physically able to do everything I was doing before I was employed. I am so grateful that he knows that because it is something that I am still learning.

The other relationship that I have felt a major change is the one that I have with God. I have been leaning on him more and more. I have plead for his aid as I fight to get through an eight hour shift on two hours of sleep. I have begged for the safety and well-being of my family that I don't always feel present for. I constantly implore him to guide me, and to help me to know if I am doing the right thing, if I am doing enough. I have felt strengthened in my faith. I have had spiritual moments of clarity. In those rare quiet moments between my job shift and my mom shift I have felt like I am enough. So long as I am doing everything that I can I am enough. I try to hold on to that feeling when I am so tired I can't see.

So I know this post is pretty disjointed, and kind of mushy, but I had to send it out into the universe for my sake. So that I can remember it when I am physically and emotionally exhausted.


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