Tears and Defeat

   I called my mom this morning in tears and defeat. I had finished a 30 minute workout. I was hot and sweaty, but severe cramps in my feet and legs meant I couldn't do the full thing full out. It had taken me too  long to even pick a work out this morning. I didn't want to do yoga, one of the nineties workouts with the underwear over the leggings just made me laugh too much to take it seriously and then Chris picked the Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred. I kind of liked the sound of it. I like to feel like I really worked at the end of a workout. However when the first thing she wanted to do was jumping jacks I began to get really frustrated. First of all I have one bra and it doesn't even fit right and it is not suited to jumping up and down in a comfortable manner. I glared at my husband daring him in my mind to make a stupid flirtatious joke on the subject, lucky for him he just recommended a sports bra. He then turned around and left for work. The next activity was jumping rope. By now the cramping had begun in my left foot and shin. I tried to compensate. First I tried not jumping so high, and then I I tried alternating feet while I jumped. I finally had to come to a crashing halt and try and stretch the cramps away just in time to hear Jillian Micheals say that if her 400 lb clients can do it so can I . She said a lot of things that really annoyed me on that video. By the time 30 minutes were over the total awful truth of my physical condition had come crashing down on me. I felt like I could never change.
  Talking it out helped. At least it gave me a clearer picture of the end for just a brief moment. It's really hard to keep your goal in mind when the path is painful. I was calmer when I got off the phone. I  made myself some Replenish (it's an Isagenix sports drink, and it's tasty and awesome) and sipped it while I made breakfast for the kids. Sitting here at the computer I don't feel as defeated as I did just after the workout. I feel very tired though, and there is a long day ahead with my three wonderful amazing, and very playful children.
   Despite how annoying the workout was and how awful I felt emotionally afterward I probably will do it again. I have already invested in it. I spent a whole $1.99 on it on Amazon, and there is that whole half hour of my life that will just be lost time this morning if I don't stick with it. Okay I am definitely trying to talk myself up to it. I don't want to be defeated the first week of this thing I'm doing. I don't want my kids to ever go through this anguish physically or emotionally because I wasn't a good enough example to them. I want to look and feel as awesome as I am on the inside. I have a lot to offer my family and this world, and it is going to be a lot easier to do that when I don't feel so tired and I don't have to fight my own body to get the simple things done. I really hope I can do this. I CAN do this, I can do this, I can do this....